Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Battle Rounds Part 4

The last battles were limited; not vocally, but because there was another fucking montage. That aside, let's get to the recap of the last set of battles.

The first battle pitted Team Shakira's Janis Shawna P against adorable ginger rocker, Brandon Roush. They were given "Pieces of My Heart" and it was clear Shawna was being given a spot in the next round at Brandon's expense. Brandon was told to channel his unique tone in a way that can relate to the song. Battle time came and personally, Brandon made Shawna work for her undeserving win (SPOILER). Shakira chose Shawna out of pity as the winner and no one stole Brandon. : (

Round 2 pitted Team Adam's Screech Sarah Simmons against montage victim Duncan Kamakana. They were given "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum. To further make one of them soil themselves, they rehearsed with Hillary Scott (The lady in the group; Antebellum doesn't mean a damn thing). Sarah's voice gets undeserved praise while the deck is stacked against Duncan. From rehearsals to the battle, her voice just overshadowed Duncan, which spelled disaster. Battle time comes and as I root for Duncan, Sarah would go on to win and Duncan would be sent home as no one stole him. Nice going, Screech > : (

Then the show enraged me by putting Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel in the fucking montage. She was shown dropkicking Chelsea M down a flight of stairs when they sang "Titanium" by David Guetta ft. Sia (I hope Janetza Miranda took notes). Then Amy Whitcomb and Agina Alvarez became montage victims again! Anywho, Amy ended up defeating Agina after they sang "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benetar. Then a rather shocking battle took place as Justin Rivers defeated The Morgan Twins (After Blake was threatened to have his testicles lit on fire with Kerosene) after they sang "Easy" by Rascal Flatts.

Finally, the last battle of S4 pitted Team Shakira's Latin music divas Mary Miranda against Cáthia. They were given "Shaki's" own song "Antes de las Seis". Due to the fact that it's her song, Shakira is able to give them first hand advice by telling them she was in vulnerable and sad place when writing this. Mary is at a bit of a disadvantage because she doesn't know the song. Cáthia proceeds to turn on her "puta chingada" switch at one of the last rehearsals because Mary mistakenly sang on "Cáthia's" chorus -_-. Then "Shaki" ripped Cáthia a brand new culero when she changed the melody of "Shaki"s" song and sucked. Battle time came, and that diva attitude proceeded to bite Cáthia as Mary was declared the winner. Then Usher used his last steal just as Cáthia was about to sob.

All in all, despite the assorted nouns/pronouns/verbs/adverbs etc., The Voice won the battle of being better than the other show (Kind of how México won the Battle of Puebla against the French. With motherfucking ease.) Next up for scrutiny, the Knockouts Part 1.

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