Monday, May 27, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Top 8 Performances

The show kicked off with Blake serving up "Mason-Dixon Hootenanny Realness" with Season 2 team member, Gwen Sebastian. Now you can cross her off of the "Where Are They Now?" list. Usher wore some Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel style frames in tribute to the last one standing from his team. Now, let's get to how they did in all my four eyes (Glasses joke). Play rough and let's get it on!

First up, Her Royal Fucking Highness from Team Adam. She was tasked with singing a very horrible song; "That Power" by ft. He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber (Also I resent Carson for saying the song title as it's crudely stylized; "#thatPOWER"; Shameful, Carson. Very shameful.) Her obstacle was supposedly tackling a very electro song and adapting it to her voice. 1. Her real task is to not sound like cat shit and she did enough to where I muted her after the first 3-5 seconds. 2. Her song choice is terrible this week. Seriously; anything that has to do with He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber is indicative of lurid taste. Enough said about her; I'm hoping she gets sent home with the level of hate for He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber (By non brain-dead "tween" girls of course).

Second was Holly Tucker of Team Blake. She was tasked with singing "Done" by The Band Perry. Her persona was called into question again when "anger" (The singing version) seemed to be problematic. During her performance, tacky boots aside, she seemed to manage the anger thing with her voice rather well. The performance even had a bonus bit of sass as she turned to end her performance. *Side note: Hair action seems to be the name of the game* After a bit of shade from Usher to Carson saying he has "Jimmy Neutron" face *shaaaaaaaaaaaade* Holly is told she did great.

Third was The Corny Duo with The Terrible Puns of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing "Seven Bridges Road" by The Eagles. Credit to the props department for the cutesy albeit fucking tacky campfire set. They should be near a campfire roasting over coals as it fits them. They worry over not being "on the money" for an Eagles song. They need to relax, because really the crowd just likes the free entertainment; even if they think they suck. The coaches ease their neuroses by telling them they don't totally suck. Adam noticed a few minor moments of pitch, but he went a little spineless by redacting his comments. BONUS: They were playing with real fire! O_O

Fourth was Sasha Allen of Team Shakira. She's tasked with singing "Without You" by David Guetta ft. Usher. She was just told to not sound like cat shit for 2 reasons. 1. She's the last one standing for Shakira and 2. It's Usher's song in a way. At the start, it seemed like "Shaki" had screwed over Sasha because I heard some sour notes in the lower registers of that song. Still, Sasha made up by channeling her energy into one of her strongest showcases of stage presence yet.

Fifth was Sarah "Screech" Simmons of Team Adam. She's tasked with singing "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye ft. Kimbra. She's told to really get pissed off because the song has vindictive qualities. She didn't nail the pissed off thing to me. The coaches may be saying "You SUCK" in the nicest way possible by saying she was an "interesting artist". Still don't be surprised if her name isn't called for tomorrow's results show.

Sixth was Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel of Team Usher. She's tasked with singing "Grenade" by Bruno Mars ("The Sing 10 Bruno Mars Songs and Receive a Free Hat" card has been punched like a motherfucker this season). She proceeds to bitchslap the fuck out of that song. The "inner beauty" thing is brought up again, but really; Michelle bitchslapped the fuck out of that song. 

Seventh was Kewpie Doll of Team Blake. I stopped giving a shit about her to write anything about her performance. Though the same process happened; [For the record, she sang "Grandpa" by The Judds] (And proceeded to admit something that's happened to at least 88% of Americans. That her grandfathers died when she was younger...and that her grandma died last Thanksgiving. No offense, chicky but EVERYBODY has lost a grandparent.)

- She was a complete bore.

- Blake looooooooooooooved her performance.

- I didn't vote for her ass.

Call me a psychic if you must. -_- For the record, I do offer my sympathies to Danielle for the loss of her grandma because I may hate her singing but I'm not a complete dick. Your grandma's in heaven, Danielle.

[P.S.- Kewpie Doll had red glittery boots...I defer you to my shadiest tweet regarding her to date...]

"Tap your boots three times and disappear, bitch. #Defcon5Shade"

Finally, Amber Carrington of Team Adam. She's tasked with singing "Skyfall" by Adele. Cojones meter was in the red. Then she proceeded to whip that song's ass like a rented mule. The coaches even admitted that this was the only time an Adele song was done justice. That claim seems to be some say, "On some PROFOUND shit!" However, if Adam liked someone doing an Adele song, Amber bought herself another week on the show.

All in all, despite the nouns I hate, The Voice hit another one clean. Next up for scrutiny, the results show.

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