She explained to him everything she knew. She started from the crew’s origins in Mama Joseph’s bookstore to the Derby and Friedan Massacres. Then, her story went in explaining with how she and the other spawn started with Victory, how she died, the addition of Dolly, the addition of the crew, the addition of Michelle, the addition of Blondie, how he died, the addition of Goldie and the addition of Matthew which reunited them with surviving assistants of the Derby and Friedan. Then she explained how certain ancillary characters pissed her and the rest of the crew off. Zasalamel Sardo, Victory’s reanimated being, Ithaca Franc and Smitty each pissed them off in different ways.
“Smitty didn’t have to die. He really fucked up our zero streak of clichéd bullshit.” she finished. The story in all infuriated Ryan. “How dare all of you for thinking this was the answer.” he said. “Don’t give us that pious shit, Gosling.” Dolly said. “Agreed.” Charlie added. “If you were actually interesting, you’d’ve been in ‘Magic Mike’ instead of Channing Tatum.” Ryan defensively queried, “How do you know he got in without displaying his acting?” “Really? Channing Tatum and acting in the same sentence?” Michelle chimed. “Seriously, Ryan. You’re marginally attractive at best. Don’t add stupidity to your flaws.” David noted.
That alone changed Ryan’s idea as to how to deal with the crew. “Fine...you won’t play ball. I’ll make you pay for that.” “You tell an overrated sex symbol the truth to his face and then he threatens you with violence.” Blyvy whispered. “What a dick.” Goldie added.
Ryan had begun mumbling to himself with the rest of the crew wondering what he was saying. Catya noted that the dirt around him was shifting in an upward spiral. “He’s reciting some type of incantation. It isn’t from that… let’s call it the ‘Scottish play’; but it’s some type of incantation.” Madler noted that whatever it was, its effect was leaving some straight female and gay male mob members still like the Terracotta Army of China. “Apparently, witchcraft comes with being overrated.” he said.
Blyvy commanded some of the members not affected by Ryan’s incantation to throw their knives in his direction. As feared, a barrier had formed around him protecting him from projectile attacks. She decided to play dirty by having Goldie present him with an Oscar that was actually one of Dolly’s crafted bombs. “This is for you Mr. Gosling. I insist.” Fortunately, he was dumb enough to take the bait. McRay had spotted, then snatched the source of Ryan’s mysticism; a cufflink on his left sleeve that was actually a talisman. Those affected by the talisman had been freed from it. When he realized he had been duped, Dolly detonated the bomb.
The blast was enough to send him exactly fourteen and a half miles from the grounds. The crew had half of the mob destroy what was left, while they pursued Ryan’s body. When the crew got there, they found him on his last breath.
“You cowards…that’s all you are. Nothing but cowards with hate in your heart.” he said.
“Shut up and die!” Catya shouted. “Your death will be the reason our spawn and us will have our hardships absolved.”
“How do you know you didn’t give your spawn more hardships?” he replied.
“What the hell are you talking about?” she queried.
Ryan’s thought on the matter was that even if they succeeded, if it had to take slaughter and conquest to do so. “That’s our thing, Mr. Gosling.” Michelle said.
“Yeah, in case you couldn’t tell…” McRay began. “We’ve been doing this because the ends justify the means in our case.” Ryan softly but sternly replied, “Why at the cost of so many others just to make yourselves ‘clean’ or absolved?” David retorted, “For being so preacher like, you have some cojones to use guilt against us.” He knew his tactic was exposed. “Ok, so maybe I did try to wage some type of ‘war’ against you mentally.” “To which we handed your ass on a platter like we were Great Britain and you were Zanzibar.” Dolly said. “Or like Rome did with Carthage!” a mob member said. “Or like The Crusades did to those in their way!” another mob member added. “Or like the iPod did with the Zune!” yet another mob member shouted.
He had reached his boiling point. “Oh shut the fuck up! I’m in the middle of my last words on Earth and here I am being beaten like the dead horse.” “Now your last words are an insult to horses. I hope there’s a place in hell for you just by saying that.” Goldie added. Exhausted and defeated Ryan merely accepted his death. “You all better celebrate now.” As he lay dead, his last words came to ominous fruition as the crew and mob looked on to see droves of enemies they knew they’d have trouble defeating.
By the time the other half of the mob was done, they had been warned to keep running alongside them.
“Who are we running from?” a mob member asked.
McRay replied, “The one type of enemy that has been more dangerous in relation to pop culture…pissed off housewives.”
The Real Pissed Off Housewives of the Contiguous U.S. had their sights set. “Mr. Gosling had done nothing to you and now you’re going to die by us!” their leader said. “For the love of God, everyone run!” Michelle commanded.
The chase began and everyone was fleeing for their lives. They were up against
no ordinary foe. These were the types of women who devoted their lives to Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Doctor Oz and even worse Ryan Gosling. The crew and mob had a good lead on The Real Pissed Off Housewives of the Contiguous U.S. but it would be at a terrible cost. During the rampage, Matthew had broken a credo that only Sydell Rober had broken before him; self inflicted death. He had performed a kamikaze, diving in to a crowd of pissed off housewives to combat them. The others had cringed at the last mistake he had ever made. “That fucking idiot thought he had to do this.” David thought. “What a sad way to end your existence, Matthew. You goddamn moron.”
The crew would flee for their lives day in and day out. Average, lackadaisical motels would become pit stops not fit for a leper. Dolly feared she was next to perish. At first glance, none of the crew or mob recognized any of the pissed off housewives. That was until a woman locked eyes with Dolly. She recognized her as she was Kirk’s mother. At every pit stop, Dolly would toil and tinker to make her “Burt Wonderstones” more potent and explosive. “That bitch is going to haunt me while she breathes.” she thought.
On the fourth day of the chase, Dolly would unleash hell through a move known as “The Cinemaplex” where she released a “Burt Wonderstone” for a “nationwide” audience. She urged mob members to move faster every time she released an explosive. Miraculously it worked; every detonation sent pissed off housewife after pissed off housewife to a hell they only saw in their own marriages. Screams reverberated, but none louder than Kirk’s mother who was vanquished when the last “Burt Wonderstone” was released. “You whore!” were the last words she ever said to Dolly. “Fuck you too, bitch.” she thought.
Try as they might, the crew knew that The Real Pissed Off Housewives of the Contiguous U.S. were going to catch them eventually. They made the decision to stop in a city
that became all too synonymous with violence and chaos; the city of Nueva Puta. It was a city that was consumed by its own wrath. Riots that broke out over sporting events were considered days where people could go streaking through a meadow. Deciding to play dirty, Catya told the city that the housewives were government agents searching towns with no type of warrant. They were skeptical at first, until Goldie uttered, “They killed my best friend.” Unaware that she was playing dirty as well, the city decided to combat the housewives as soon as they entered the heart of their downtown.
The crew and mob made it to Mt. Unwantedpregnancy only a few miles outside of Nueva Puta. They gathered near Forgodssakepullout Peak where they would see if the city would hold their word to vanquish the housewives. They looked through the telescope to see they would hold their word and then some. When the leader of The Real Pissed Off Housewives of the Contiguous U.S. approached the townspeople with attitude, they struck instantly. The beating, cleaving and all around hell unleashed on them was a thing of horrific beauty. The leader was subdued and forced to watch her comrades die before her eyes.
Several of them were beaten to death with tote bags filled with rocks and even some of Oprah’s Book Club selections. Those that didn’t die “luxuriously” faced meat cleavers. The steel would slice through the necks, arms and legs of them with a disgusting ease. If she wasn’t convinced her death was pending, the leader knew the screams of her fallen comrades would haunt her until God would take her life. The others would face the most gruesome death the townspeople imagined. Taking tattered cloths and soaking them in kerosene and chili powder, they force fed the remaining housewives “Thai Dishcloths”. The retching and agony would drive the leader to upchuck her gastrointestinal contents. “Make it end already! I can’t take the sights anymore.” she pleaded. They complied with sheer brutality with a move known as
“The Court of Public Opinion”. The move would involve every citizen of Nueva Puta punching, kicking and slicing the leader of housewives; continuing even after she died. One by one, they maliciously and deliberately ended her life. After half of the town had done their part she was bloodied, in tears and begging for angels to take her away. 15 more kicks, 18 more punches and 38 more slices it had been declared over. The Real Pissed Off Housewives of the Contiguous U.S. were no longer a threat to the crew and mob.
After receiving the confirmation from Nueva Puta’s head mortician, they headed back to the city to give their thanks. “We are so thankful for your assistance.” Dolly said. “You’re welcome.” he began. “Though I do need to know something from all of you.” “What is that?” Madler asked. “Was this all in a way to cleanse yourselves of past hardships or prevent future ones?” he queried. “Indeed it was.” Blyvy replied. “You don’t hate us for it, do you?” David asked. “No, I do not hate you for this.” he began. “Though I will suggest a journey to a spiritual high ground.” “What do you mean?” McRay interrogated. “There’s a borderline ghost town called Santa Paloma. Seek out the gateway and whoever is there will guide you through.” he replied.
After receiving directions, the crew and mob began the trek to Santa Paloma. 45 minutes later, they had arrived and Catya had instructed Michelle and Blyvy to try and find the path to the gateway. Blyvy eventually spotted a trail of jewels and Michelle found a scroll that would prompt them on how to find the gateway. Catya was given the scroll and read it aloud; “Whoever is reading this very scroll, I am going to give it to you in plain English. Follow the trail of jewels until you see me, Ramdao; Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of the Pegasus.” “Was a slightly challenging riddle out of the picture when he came up with this?” Charlie asked. “He explained that here…” Catya began. “Believe me when I say there would’ve been a riddle
here for you to solve. Unfortunately, too many idiots before you have tried to access the gateway through a riddle and ended up being road kill.” “Oh well, follow the jewels.” McRay said. The trail of jewels would stretch fourteen miles long until they finally heard a voice welcoming them. “Walk no more…I am Ramdao. Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of The Pegasus.” “Yeah, if we could read the disclaimer that the jewel part was true, we know who you are.” Blyvy remarked. “Very well.” Ramdao began. “What brings you here?” “We were told by the head mortician of Nueva Puta, you could help us out with ‘cleansing out spirits’ or some bullshit.” Charlie replied.
“Indeed I can help you and all your cronies cleanse you of all your hardships.” he replied. Ramdao went on to explain that through a self invented mix of Presbyterianism and Santeria, he had created a portal for those willing to repent. After repenting, he would open the portal and the person would step in and land in the near future; completely free of spiritual transgressions. McRay and Charlie planned who would go through the portal along with Ramdao. “Every person who had assisted with only the Derby Massacre...repent and you shall be freed!” he commanded. After they had repented, he asked one of the mob members to pluck a feather from a dead chicken on their behalf. “I thought Santeria involved killing the chicken as sacrifice.” he said. Ramdao replied, “I only borrowed a little bit from Santeria. Sacrifice is a bit much for me.” “That’s a Presbyterian for you.” a mob member snidely muddled. “Quiet you!” Ramdao responded. After plucking the feather, Ramdao opened the portal and each of them was mesmerized by the light. “You are seeing Elysium level lights; ‘profound shit’ as you would say. Go forth and each of you shall be set in the near future free from everything!” The mob leapt through and each of them vanished. Goldie checked the other side of the portal and found no one there. “This dude is either a Lich or legit. Either way it looks good.” she said.
The ritual continued with those who had only assisted in the Friedan Massacre then those who had hands in both. As the last mob member vanished, Ramdao counted the crew that was remaining. McRay, Charlie, David, Madler, Blyvy, Catya, Dolly, Michelle and Goldie made nine people left. “Can I take a feather for my teddy bear?” she asked. “I’ll allow it. No point in making it a three way for no reason.” he replied. “Nothing smarmy from the rest of you please.”
Goldie was the first to leave into the near future. She repented and Ramdao opened the portal. She saw her near future as she discovered her own room filled with more toys and such than her old house. “Is that my Uncle?” she asked Ramdao. “Indeed it is.” he began. “His house will become the place you thrive in until you reach success.” She waved goodbye to the others and disappeared through the portal. Michelle had opted to go with Dolly due to their mother daughter like bond. After taking the feather, the vision of the near future appeared before them. “You mean she doesn’t adopt me?” Michelle woefully asked. “That’s actually you and her adopting your little sister.” he replied. Catya lightly retched after that. “Sorry; Deus ex machina like this can make me a trifle queasy.” “You can’t loathe her for being dishonest.” Ramdao noted. Dolly and Michelle bid adieu to everyone and disappeared through the portal.
As he was balancing and reconfiguring the chi of the portal, he was prompted by Catya to postpone her and Blyvy’s trip to the near future. “What the fuck is she doing? It better not come to some lame as fuck ‘go on without me; I’ve finally found peace without a sword’ bullshit fruition.” she thought. Ramdao complied and asked David and Madler to repent and step forward.
Their near future showed them content in each others’ arms. “I look good for an old bastard don’t I?” Madler asked. “No shit, Sherlock.” David replied. “In case you two are wondering, you wouldn’t have adopted or had children whatsoever.” Ramdao said.
“Race you to the portal!” they said to each other. “Say goodbye to your comrades first, you foolish horn dogs.” Ramdao ordered. They faced their friends and fathers, gave their goodbyes and ventured through to their near future. McRay and Charlie were prompted to the portal. For them, it was a long time coming. They had seen everything of their cursed journey and the damned journey of their spawn together.
“You and I deserve nothing less than the best.” McRay said.
“I love it when you use complete sentences.” Charlie replied.
Catya lightly retched again. “You know it has nothing to do with you two being in a relationship. I just really hate tacky ‘foo foo’ moments like this.” “It counts as you being on the ‘Supermodel’ diet.” Ramdao added. She retched again because of his remark. “Tacky jokes make me want to be the cause of your death certificate being printed.” she woozily but firmly warned.
The feather was plucked and the portal revealed McRay and Charlie’s near future. They would be the only ones to return to Pansona Chingada. In addition to that, they would inherit a local bar from an acquaintance of theirs (who in an ironic twist was a bastard son of Zasalamel Sardo.) Before they set out, they gave the most proper goodbye to Blyvy and Catya. “I know we didn’t start off on the best of terms.” Charlie began. “In fact I remember you wanting to kill each and every one of us.” “That is true. Though if you were trying to end the turmoil your parents caused you, then found out they hired a really shitty con man to kill you, I doubt you’d’ve been thrilled to see them at first sight.” Blyvy noted.
All this time, Catya had grown uneasy. “Catya, what’s wrong?” McRay asked. “I need to repent much longer than everybody else.” she replied. “I can’t join the near future quite yet.” “When you do, we’ll only have good thoughts about you because repent or no, you are one scary bitch.” Charlie added. “Yeah...Kublai Khan with a uterus and everything.” McRay chimed.
The two faced the portal, took a deep breath and disappeared through it together. Ramdao was growing nervous about Catya’s resistance to going through the portal. Blyvy could sense a reason, but knew better than to rule on that alone without asking Catya.
“Mom...” she began. “What the hell is going on with you?”
“I need to repent far much longer than you think.” she replied.
“If this is about you fearing some tacky mother/daughter bonding, relax.” she said.
“Really? You don’t want to bond with me further than this?” she asked.
“No.” Blyvy began. “Mainly because I know enough about you now to form my own view about you. That view being you’re fucking insane.”
Catya hugged her daughter in a state of jubilation. “I knew you’d say those words to me eventually.” Blyvy was dumbfounded by her mother’s acceptance. She mouthed to Ramdao, “Do I say the part where I understand that she’ll always be my mother?” He advised against it, mouthing back, “Take this as her peace offering. I don’t have to open the fucking portal to know you’ll never get a chance like that again.”
Despite the moment of bonding, Catya stood by her original prompt to journey to the near future separately. Blyvy complied with this and she was asked to step forward. Plucking a feather, she was shown the near future she had. She would be the only one to retain her martial arts training, as she was revealed to open a dojo in Salieri Heights.
“I own a place that ritzy?” she asked.
“You do indeed, despite your lineage.” Ramdao replied.
“I’m still here you dick!” Catya shouted.
Blyvy bid farewell to her mother and disappeared to her near future. “Now Catya, it’s your turn to repent.” he said to her. “That part will take a while.” she replied.
Ramdao gave Catya ample time to repent for each sin and each spiritual transgression she harbored. “No sleeping while repenting.” he playfully mocked. Her silence was a relief for him as it proved even the once ruthless she-devil of the modern world had come to repent for her sins. Hours later, she emerged from the self imposed cleansing.
She plucked a feather from the dead chicken, and Ramdao for the last time opened the portal to the near future. She saw that despite her prompting to travel separately, those that meant something to her (as in not being fit for death) would remain in some form of her life. She turned to Ramdao and said, “Thanks for all your help you Gandalf the Grey knockoff.” He smiled and cheekily replied, “And a farewell to you, you cosplay looking psychopathic, bloodthirsty, irrational, vociferous, malice-ridden...”
“While I’m young you asshole!” she shouted.
“And just plain fucking crazy bitch. You happy now?” he finished.
“To think you could flatter someone like me.” she uttered.
“Get in the fucking portal and out of my life now!” he commanded.
Catya went through the portal and had seen the vortex everyone else had seen before settling in their new present day lives. Colors around her that had her thinking, “Is this a portal or Johnny Weir’s asshole? So many rainbows and colors...oh wait. No trace of Johnny himself. Still, holy shit.” She continued to see a world which looked like someone melted a set of Crayola crayons with a flamethrower bought from hell or the 1980s. She spotted a tunnel light ahead and wondered if Ramdao had actually killed her through the portal. Luckily, it was where her near future was waiting.
“There was no turning back when I let a Gandalf impersonator had me pull a feather from a dead chicken.” she thought. She then came to in her near future in the village of Kahlo.
Ramdao had kept score on each of the crew years after they had traveled through the portal. As he expected, no one had dare screw up livelihoods they knew they weren’t entirely deserving of now.
Catya especially proved that even those with her level of mental issues, can be cleansed. Her livelihood in the village of Kahlo had been a relatively content one as the village crank. Every day until she died, she would befriend the social outcasts behind closed doors and slandered anybody passing her abode.
“You’re going to be a failure!” she would shout frequently. “You wouldn’t have enough money for a whore to scream your name!” Eventually, she died in the middle of insulting another miscreant. “I’d rather die now than fuck you with the lights on!” Her dying breath became the most brilliantly timed effrontery the village of Kahlo would ever see.
Dolly and Michelle would go on to have a healthy relationship as mother and daughter. When Michelle turned 18, she said “Bye Mom! See you when I become a repeat divorcee!” “The hell you will, young lady.” she replied. “I’m just kidding Mom.” Dolly chimed. “Take care of the other one real good.” “My name’s Jamie, you bitch.” she said. “You know I’m kidding Jamie, bye!” Dolly assured. “I’m going to my room. This is some bullshit.” Jamie said.
“Jamie...” Dolly began. “What have I said about bad words?”
“Use them only in a joke or when you pay your taxes under your breath.” she replied.
“That’s right. Now if you turn that frown into a smile, I’ll buy you some fast food.” “Ok, Mom...this smile big enough?” Jamie asked. “Of course it is.” Dolly replied.
In Salieri Heights, Blyvy’s dojo was thriving with misfits and outcasts having a place to unleash their bottled fury. “Very good class. A little less cussing in your formations, but other than that I see nothing wrong with how you’ve done.” After that day of practice, one of her
students asked her advice on something. “What do you do if you have a bully problem?” the student asked. She responded, “What type of bully problem do you have?” “I keep kicking their asses when they pick on me.” the student replied. “Self defense is not a bully problem.” Blyvy said. “Oh.” the student said. “Thanks sensei Blyvy! See you next week!”
As for Goldie, life became stagnant but she grew to accept that. “At least I’m not running from bad people with weapons anymore.” she thought. Her uncle called her downstairs; “Goldie, your weekend parents are here.” She was surprised to see Madler and David at the door. “What are you guys doing here?” “We came to take you to the arcade today!” David replied. “Why is that?” she asked. “Your uncle has a bit of talking to do with some people later today.” Madler replied. “You’re not involved with the mob are you?” she asked her uncle. “No, no Goldie.” he began. “I have to deal with the divorce lawyers again.” “Oh...well good luck!” she said. “Take good care of her while I deal with the bullshit.” her uncle pleaded.
The trip to the arcade would have a surprising reunion between father and son as they ran into McRay and Charlie. “Oh; hi Dad.” David said to McRay. “Well isn’t this some shit?” he replied. Charlie queried, “Is Goldie’s uncle dealing with mob threats or something?” “No, much worse.” Madler began. “Divorce lawyers?” McRay replied. “Wow, how’d you know?” David wondered. He answered, “Son, if you learn nothing else from me, know this. The only group of men in suits worse than the mob to straight men are divorce lawyers.”
“Look, whack-a-bitch!” Goldie said.
“Whack-a-mole Goldie. It’s called whack-a-mole.” David said.
“We should be thankful we never adopted children.” McRay began. “But at least Goldie is one of the good ones worth babysitting.” “Agreed.” Madler said. “Oh and in case you’re wondering, the mini golf course windmill is great for sex.” Charlie said. “Yeah, but it only gets
good once you get past the smell of honey and ketchup.” McRay added. Madler and David merely snickered before McRay and Charlie caught on. “Atta boy! Getting his public play on like his old man!” McRay said cheerfully. “Oh well, we better check on Goldie before whack-a-mole becomes smack-a-bitch.” Madler said. “Run into you again sometime?” David asked. “Eh, why not.” Charlie replied. “I have enough free time since watching over his crazy ass has involved less blood on the ground.” “Not to mention a reduced percentage of running on our feet from pissed off housewives.” Madler noted.
“Go on and watch your kid.” Charlie lightly urged. “She’s causing a ruckus.”
When they looked, Goldie was actually causing a ruckus trying to rip someone’s head off when the Iggy Azalea/Cassadee Pope memorial tribute CD was being played. They were able to pry her off of the potential victim in time. “Sorry everyone.” they said. “Sometimes when she hears music she doesn’t like, she likes to...well ‘play’ a little rough with the person playing the music.” David said.
Goldie offered a truce: “Keep that shit turned down and I won’t rip your fucking head off.”
Madler chimed, “Aren’t children alarmingly precious?”