Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Blind Auditions Part 5

Time for yet another rousing bit of bitching, shade and dark humor filled entry for the MrSwearword V.S. Everyone recap of The Voice S4. Buckle up (Or they'll make another goddamn PSA)!

Part 5 was another 2 hour installment totally worth my time. See why:

First up, former Interscope artist Jeff Lewis. After being "treated" (Like we were goddamn inmates at Guantanamo) to a showing of his shelved video efforts, he sang Usher's song "U Got It Bad". He was just begging for a spot on Blake's team, right? -_-  He manages a 3 Chair Turn where you guessed it; Usher became his coach (Bonus points for Adam for inferring he couldn't be bothered). Next up, Janis Joplin knockoff Gretchen Wilson homegirl, Shawna P made her debut and harped about being the oldest one in the competition. BFD girl; big fucking deal. As long as you're any good, who cares if you're old, young, black, white, this, that, a little crazy, etc.? ("Record execs?"; Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to be nice.) If you're on this show, people care if you can sing or at the very least not sound like a seal being clubbed. Anyway, Janis Shawna manages a 2 Chair Turn after her rendition of "She Talks to Angels" by The Black Crowes. Between Adam and Shakira, she chooses "Shaki" as her coach.

Then one of my favorites of the season emerged. Coffee house singer, Caroline Glaser (Whose name must be read in a voice similar to the doctor from Poltergeist) gave a very tranquil and pleasing rendition of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. She managed a 2 Chair Turn (Neither of which came from Adam O_O Fucking really?! First no Jess Kellner, then no on Caroline? O_O) and between Shakira and Blake...picked Blake (O_O O_O O_O O_O). Fourth up, was proof that hubris (Excessive pride; just in case someone you know in the mirror is too goddamn lazy to look it up on Google) is the ultimate downfall of man and makes for fabulous television. Cameron came in bowtie and all while reminding us arrogance never amounts to anything good. His rendition of "As Long As You Love Me" by He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, was flat out...of breath along with terrible. No chairs turned for him and Adam threw the best shade after asking him to show off some dance moves; "We can't hear that!" Better luck in charm school, Cameron. > : )

Then came Michael Austin...a big ol' country boy who ended up on Team Adam. I'm still shocked dudes his size are even made O_O he did a decent job of "Somebody Like You" by Keith Urban (Who was actually a judge on The Voice Australia and came 2nd with his artist Darren Percival. That was before he fucked up by leaving to be a judge on the other show.) Then it was Sasha Allen, a kickass woman in red, who sang the fuck out of "Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks. All 4 Chairs turned and she selects Adam as her coach (Savor that moment forever; because "tragedy" sets in with the Battle Rounds). Seventh was, Matt Cermanski who learned the hard way that any Katy Perry song that isn't "Firework" sung in public = disaster (He sang "Teenage Dream" by the way. Shameful on his part, but oh well.)

Then yet another damned montage of artists who made it, but weren't "screentime ready"; Jamila Thompson (Who earned my respect for singing "Halo" by Beyoncé; Louis Virtel must've vomited in his mouth again. Thank you, Jamila), Amy Whitcomb [who apparently appeared on the Sing-Off twice with 2 different groups and came in 6th place both times], Justin Rivers and Michelle "headband" Raitzin. Over you guys, so let's move on!

Next up, Mary Miranda who has some cojones to sing "Como La Flor" by Selena. Keep in mind, I don't understand Spanish vocals, but I know this; an unwritten rule in Spanish language singing ["translated", mind you] is: DON'T.FUCK.WITH.SELENA. Luckily for Mary, she earns a 3 Chair Turn (Adam didn't turn just like he didn't for Cáthia; so he doesn't discriminate...I think.) and if you guessed well ahead of time, she picked "Shaki" as her coach. Then we met the answer to the question, "What would happen if Lana Del Rey ever aspired to sing at the Grand Ole Opry?" Grace Askew. Terrible invention of "Bluntry" [Blues & Country mashed up] aside, she pretty much nails "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" by Nancy Sinatra. She gets a 2 Chair Turn and between Shakira and Blake, picks Blake. Then another sad case of no chair turns emerges with the totally robbed Jane Smith. Her rendition of "You've Got The Love" as Florence + The Machine did it, while decent got no chairs. There's always Season 5, Jane.

Then another fakakta montage of rejects...over all 3 of you, so let's get to the last one. Finally, Ryan Innes emerged fresh from graduating the Nicholas David (S3) School of Performing (Located in City of Dis adjacent) conspiracy theorist/ Yoga teacher scruff and all. His rendition of "Gravity" by John "Penis is a White Supremacist" Mayer managed a 4 Chair Turn and a spot on Usher's team.

All in all, despite more goddamn montages, The Voice pleased me yet again. Next up for scrutiny The Blind Auditions Part 6.

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