Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Blind Auditions Part 1

*PRIMER* I am recapping The Voice, because I would totally be on that show; it is very entertaining to me and I can throw adorably bitchy shade to it (Only with something I like can I be this bitchy and STILL like it)

Season 4 of The Voice kicked off by introducing two new coaches. R&B Heartthrob from 2004 Usher and Colombian turned U.S. phenom, Shakira (No joke about "Hips Don't Lie" nor "She Wolf" will be made that hasn't already been made). Then it was time to begin the best way to give people their Baptism of Fire in the Entertainment industry; the Blind Auditions!

First up, The Morgan Twins (A duo and two new coaches introduced on the same night? That doesn't sound planned -_-). Apart from making the male judges hot and bothered, they give a decent rendition of "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys. They manage a 4 Chair Turn and pick Blake Shelton as their coach. Then, it's Jess Kellner who in my opinion did the best, even though the last performer that night got the rave reviews (More on her later; no matter how much I hate her). Her rendition of "Can't Help Falling in Love" is very pleasing, but only manages a 2 Chair Turn (Neither of which came from Adam Levine O_o) and picks Usher as her coach leaving Shakira muy triste (Yo hablo [escribo] poco espaƱol tambien.)  Third up is Mark Andrew who managed a 2 Chair Turn from Adam and Shakira for his take on "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" and picks Shakira (Believe me; this is pretty much the only memorable thing about him. The show would go on to put him in the "Who?" file very quickly.)

Then it's the fourth total but first reject of the night, Janetza Miranda. She struts in with hooker shoes, afro, red lipstick and has a thing to her known as the "Bird Call" (VoteForTheWorst realness, hunty.) Then her audition song "Titanium" by David Guetta ft. Sia has us wondering if she could even go pyrite in the music industry. She is axed and carried off by her supporting family squawking better than she sang. Fifth, on loan from childhood nightmares is aspiring Country artist, Danielle Bradbery giving Kewpie Doll realness (O_O) who manages a 3 Chair Turn for her rendition of "Mean" by Taylor Swift (Thanks for cleaning your ears, "Shaki"). She destroys Adam by picking Blake (Keep in mind, she's an aspiring country artist. What a shock -_-). Sixth up is VEDO, an R&B hopeful whose sob story is milked like it's being sold for $3.99. Granted, him (at that point) about to lose his mother is painful, but this is The VOICE. Sing to impress me and use whatever outside events in your life as fuel for your performance. His song choice is terrible ("Boyfriend" by He Who Inspired Lesbians who Look Like Justin Bieber) but his voice isn't. The coaches sense VEDO's intent on working with Usher, and he becomes VEDO's coach.

Seventh up, Christian Porter who sang "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO...-_- He should've been axed on song choice alone, but this is The Voice not "The Song Choice" (in this case, BOO)

Then a montage (people hate this with a burning passion) of 3 singers who didn't make it, followed by a shocking no chair turn. Eleventh up, Leah Lewis (Who could easily be an Asian-American answer to Selena Gomez) who despite being adorable, apparently picked the toughest Carrie Underwood song to sing live, "Blown Away". There's always not picking a Carrie Underwood song Season 5, Leah. Then it was time for..."Societal Gender Vocal Deconstruction Hour!" Twelfth up was Kris Thomas who had a deal with a label before things went South. Kris kissed Whitney fandom ass sang "Saving All My Love For You" and got Shakira in full poker face mode. She ended up being his coach by default and the looks on the other coaches faces? O_O & O_O & O_O (With Adam saying, "Dammit I wish I knew you were a guy!". Spot the dirty premise and you win a new car made of nothing!)

Then came a really shocking no chair turn. Thirteenth up was James Irwin, who sob story aside (you have my typed condolences and real ones too) picked a cursed song for males, "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script (A song that famously screwed David Dunn in Season 2 and any other man who dared sing that). I don't know why that song is hexed, but sadly, James became the biggest no chair turn shock in Voice U.S. anthology.

Last and certainly least in all four of my eyes (Glasses joke) former Michael Jackson backup singer of "This Is It" fame, Judith Hill. Being backup for Michael is not the issue with Judith; it's her inability to project her voice while singing; making her sound like the laziest vocalist I've heard on the show. Her rendition of "What A Girl Wants" by S1-S3 (and S5 no matter how many people hate her) Voice coach, Christina Aguilera is half assed and that's me being nice. Yet for some reason, she got all 4 Chairs to turn (The earwax must've been turned up at SpinalTap levels) and picked Adam as her coach.

All in all, despite Judith, I rather enjoyed the S4 premiere. Next up for my brand of scrutiny, the Blind Auditions Part 2.

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