Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Battle Rounds Part 1

This is when The Voice gets into full on "Appomattox" mode and pits the contestants against each other. Sometimes they get it right and sometimes I quote Kelis when I say "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Let's play rough and have fun!

The first battle pitted Team Adam's Amber Carrington against Sasha Allen. They were both given the song "Try" by P!nk. This spelled disaster for Amber as Sasha was viewed as someone that could sing circles, squares, triangles and the infinity loop around her (She can, but still). Sasha's main thing was trying not to sound too "theater" and Amber was given the task of "Don't end up 'Fender Ketchup' against her". Battle time had Amber prove she wouldn't go down without a fight. Sasha did what she needed and didn't sound like a Broadway production. The end result? Adam picks Amber...O_O What the hell? I thought Amber was OK, but I wanted Sasha to win. With the "steal" in place, the other coaches fell into Adam's orchestrated attack (We know goddamn well it was a setup) and Shakira stole her.

Round 2 pitted Team Shakira's comeback kid, Garrett Gardner against montage victim J'Sun. Both were given the song "How You Like Me Now?" by The Heavy. Garrett was mainly asked to polish his growl enough so he doesn't sound like Clint Eastwood's great grandson. J'Sun was told to incorporate his R&B flavor into a rock heavy song. Battle time had it look like Garrett wiped the floor with J'Sun's hat (That hat was just..."Gurl NO; NO; Gurl NO".) In the end, Shakira couldn't bear to say goodbye to Garrett yet so she saved him and J'Sun was eliminated as no one stole his "J'Sunshine" ("BOOOOOO; Get off the stage, bitch!" I know; I know. Bad pun is bad.)

Round 3 pitted Team Blake's Holly Tucker against montage victim Michelle "headband" Raitzin. Turns out, Michelle has some connections to the industry; but my eyes go to the headband. Great style, but "Gurl NO; NO; GurlNO". Both were given the Carrie Underwood song that screwed Leah Lewis in the Blind Auditions, "Blown Away". Another "headband" tidbit? She's got a little power in her voice, but Holly's vocals proved "headband" would be in trouble (Or for a lack of a better term, "headband" was about to be tiger fucked in this battle.) Come Battle time, Holly proved herself a force of nature and moved on while "headband" sauntered off with some dignity (Unless some dickhead on Blogger keeps calling her "headband"...oops).

Round 4 pitted Team Usher's Jess Kellner against Taylor Beckham. I liked both of them but I sensed Jess would win. They were given "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse (Which viewers and critics didn't understand as they felt this pairing you say all fucked up.) Both were given some confidence critiques; Taylor being given a bit more critique over confidence. Battle time came and they both sounded great to me (A good indicator why this is MrSweaword V.S. Everyone) and Usher had a bit of difficulty picking between them. Eventually, he picked Jess and before Taylor could cry, Blake steals her saying, "I like Taylor!" For once I said, "Thank you Blake!" (Bonus points for he and Larry the Cable Guy killing Rudolph in his tolerable shade-filled Christmas special).

Round 5 pitted Team Blake's Corny Duo with The Terrible Puns and He who Sang LMFAO in Public; "All T, All Shade" (The Swon Brothers and Christian Porter if names matter that damn much). They were given "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty. Hmmm; sounded like Christian was about to get tiger fucked because The Swon Brothers sang a Tom Petty song lackadaisically in their Blind Auditions. The Corny Duo was told to stop fucking around and take it seriously. Christian had to overcome a high note hurdle. Battle time came and both acts did what they needed; The Corny Duo didn't fuck things up and Christian hit that high note. Admittedly after that, I thought Christian had it (Because duos get gypped right here) but Blake picked his Oklahoma brethren, The Corny Duo with The Terrible Puns. Thanks, Blake. -_-

The Final Round was a round of good v.s. evil; Karina Iglesias V.S. Judith Hill ("All T, All Shade" Team Judith. I don't like her, plain and simple.) They were given "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown. Karina was given some control critiques; Judith was told to stop being a perfectionist (Never heard that word thrown that loosely before; *shaaaaaaaaaaade*). Battle time proved time as "Good" and "Evil" fought with perceived vocal equality. Personally, Karina wiped the floor with Judith (Used her hair as a Swiffer and everything). However, I could smell Adam's desire to win S4 turn to desperation. He knows Judith was Michael Jackson's backup singer [meaning he could siphon votes from MJ fans]. He hops on the bad foot and picks Judith. His part 2 of sucker a coach into a steal worked perfectly as Shakira martyred herself and stole Karina. Shakira used her steals for good and for that I respect her.

All in all, despite that last battle, all proved entertaining. Next up for elm tree level shade, The Battles Part 2.

No comments:

Post a Comment